I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
