forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
