Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
