I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
