Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
