I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
