You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
