haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
