I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
