Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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