Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
