It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
