I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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