Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
