last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
