i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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