I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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