Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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