Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
