I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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