so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
