i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
