We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Two words: blizzard sex
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
