his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
