if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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