dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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