instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
