those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
