saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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