So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
tell me about the eggs
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