Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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