Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
