Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
