he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
