you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
