I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
