When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
