I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
