See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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