I can tuck mytits in my pants
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
