Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
