I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
