She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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