I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
