You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
