apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
