The maid of honor just puked.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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