Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
