i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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