i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Rumble strips road head = magical
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
