never play flip cup with pint glasses
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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